saikyocivrobo: (chibi Prometheus)
[personal profile] saikyocivrobo
Part 1: Getter Hobo

(Click this text to hear the opening song.)

What's this? It's the Guild of Dungeoneering, a dungeon crawling card game where you send adventurers to explore various lairs and hope they survive and bring loot. Characters can die from making bad decisions, from their own stupidity and sometimes from bad RNG, and everyone will be named after people I know, so I'm sure this is going to be very fun. But without further ado...

So, in this game we're a talentless idiot jerk who got kicked out of an adventurer's guild for being a talentless idiot jerk, and decided that HE'LL SHOW THEM by starting his own guild and finding a way to get back at them.
If you're more familiar with DWRP, now you know why I chose Dreamwidth to host this LP.

This is the guild of dungeoneering
All across the land are cheering!
Oh, to be a dungeoneer
Chasing fame and glory...

Italics mean a song sang by a bard inside the game at this point. Yes, this game has songs. I can't find most of them on youtube, sorry. Also I'm replicating most of them from memory, so sorry if I might get some lines wrong.
In any case, our guild only has its center hub right now, and a card to build the barracks, which we shall now construct. Doing so attracts the first dungeoneer to the guild...

The one who's always left behind
The solitary lump
The pawn who's fodder for the grind
The sorry little Chump.

The Chump is the weakest character in this game. He has only two purposes: doing the tutorial, when you have no other dungeoneers available, and being sent as a scout into dungeons to die, so you'll know what to expect and pick a more appropriate dungeoneer next time. We probably won't do the latter, which means our Chump needs an appropriate name for someone who will only do one mission and then show no other activity in the game.

That'll do.

All we can do at this point is go on an adventure. Also this is how our guild looks at the moment.

The only dungeon we can explore is apparently the den of a snarky lampshade hanger.

As soon as we enter, the game does something on its own. It puts a room next to the entrance, and a monster and a coin inside. After that, Equi automatically moves in, lured by the filthy lucre and blind to the fact that he's rushing into danger.

Look at that fiendish abomination.

Boring combat tutorial:
Your goal is, unsurprisingly, to kill the enemy before it kills you. You always start a fight at maximum health. On every turn you draw a card (except the first one when you draw 3). You see what card the opponent has, and then decide which card you play yourself to counter it. The opponent always moves first, unless you use special cards (you'll see that later). If you use all the cards in your deck, the used cards get reshuffled and you draw from them, so you can't run out of cards to play.

Fortunately, the Rubber Ducky is dumb like a sack of rocks, and its first action is staring at Equi with a blank expression. Equi has 3 cards on his hand: Eyes Closed Punch (deal 1 physical damage), Cower (block 1 physical or magic damage), and another Eyes Close Punch. Since there's no point blocking an attack that does nothing, Equi will gather his resolve and punch with all the strength he can muster!
Which is not much. But hey, 1 damage.

On the next turn the feathered devil actually does something - it uses Headbutt, which deals 2 physical damage to the enemy and 1 damage to itself. We'll counter with Cower, which lowers the damage taken to 1.

Anger is like crappier Headbutt. To counter it, Equi will use a defensive card again, thus negating the damage dealt to him as he covers his head and whimpers. Such heroism.

The enemy is dumbfounded again - which means it's time for the finishing blow! Equi draws a new, powerful card, which deals whopping 2 points of damage! His Lucky Strike tears the enemy into pieces!
Well, it only had 1 HP left, so an Eyes Closed Strike would suffice. But hey, it's beating the enemy in style that matters. Even if that enemy is a Rubber Ducky.

Anyway, loot time!

We draw 3 random pieces of loot and get to keep one. The Cuppa gives us Fireblast, letting us pour scalding coffee at the enemy and deal 2 magic damage. The Paper Crown gives Holy Seal, which blocks 1 damage and heals 1 HP for each point of damage blocked. The Ruffled Shirt grants Swift, a 1 damage attack that moves before the enemy and draws an additional card.
Card draw is good, but so is defense. Let's go with Paper Crown.

After proving my worth thanks to that glorious victory, the game lets me take control of dungeon building. Yes, in this game you don't control where the adventurer goes in the dungeon - instead you put down corridors, monsters and treasure from a randomly drawn hand, and the dungeoneer decides where to go. His movements are more or less predictable (drawn by shinies, level-appropriate enemies and undiscovered rooms), but sometimes the dungeoneer will move in surprising and suicidal ways. Such is life.

Let's put down some stuff.

A bat and a connecting corridor will do the trick. As you can see, this changed Equi's decision about where to go next.

Yes, they do. Somehow. Don't ask me why. Don't ask why that ducky had a paper crown, either. Maybe it was on its way back from a monster birthday party.

The battle starts! The bat has the Loner trait, which means it gets -1 HP if it's fought in a dead end. Pity it's not. The ability it uses is Drain - 1 magic damage that heals 1 HP if it succeeds. We can't have that happen, so it's time for Equi to heroically Cower once again.

The yellow shield symbol on the Bite card means it's unblockable. I guess Equi is too busy running around and flailing his arms while a bat bites into his head to defend effectively. But that means we'll counter with the most powerful attack in our arsenal!
"Powerful" is a term used loosely, here.

Spook deals 1 magic damage and blocks 1 physical damage - an Eyes Closed Punch would do nothing, as the enemy is 2spoopy4chumps. But one protected with the Holy Seal has no fear! It also restores Equi's HP to 5.

Another Drain, another Cower. No, bad bat. We won't let you press the fight so much to your advantage.

Gee, I wonder which ability should I use!


Too late for you, bat. You only have one HP left.
Equi: "You are already dead."

Giant Bat: "HIDEBU!"
Equi gained enough XP to level up! All it does is give him +1 HP. That's it. That's what levelling does in this game.

New loots. The Pigeon Nest (how did a bat even have that?) gives Rekindle, which deals 1 magic damage to the enemy and heals 1 HP to us with the power of hugs. Unfortunately, it's a head item slot, so to use it we'd have to ditch the crown. Ruffled Shirt we already know, the Twig gives Bash - deal 1 physical damage, block 1 physical damage. It's a good skill for early game, let's take it.

Look how well-armed Equi is. Truly he's ready to take on any challenge.
Also a villain appeared in the corner and taunted us with mean, hurtful words. The speech bubble disappeared before I could catch it, though. It said "squeak squeak". You'll have to take my word for it.
Putting down more dungeon parts would be pointless at this point - the goal is to kill 3 monsters, and we already killed 2. Let's just let Equi meet the last enemy on his own.

The enemy is a giant rat. It greets Equi by trying to claw his face off.
Equi is actually feeling brave and smacks the rat with a Lucky Strike! Also I'm saving my defensive card for a nastier trick the rat has in store...

And here it is. Neurotoxin, if it hits, causes us to discard 1 card. This is bad, because it makes our hand smaller, and gives us less options in combat. We can't let that happen! Cower, Equi, cower for your life!

What follows is the rat biting and scratching Equi, while he keeps his eyes shut, holds in tears and keeps punching it till it stops moving. But hey, that worked! The battle is won!

Here is to you young dungeoneer
You were very brave
But how long before you feel the fear?
And how long before your grave...

Oh shush, bard. Did you decide to be cheeky because I forgot to take a screencap of the victory screen? I'll do it next time, just you wait.

You shush too Equi, your room has only 2 holes in the roof. Also, this expedition gave us 56 gold - and tier 1 buildings cost 50, so we can construct one!

There are three kinds of buildings - ones that give new adventurers, ones that give blessings, and ones that unlock uncommon loot. For now, let's get a new kind of dungeoneer, because a Chump just won't cut it. Sorry, Equi, but we'll never use it again. On the bright side, that means you won't die terribly. Other characters have no such luxury.

Tier 1 dungeoneers are as follows:
Bruiser - a defense-oriented chav.
Cat Burglar - glass cannon with no defensive skills.
Apprentice - spellcaster with magical attacks and anti-magic defenses.
Mime - you'll see, because...

Is there anything more soul-destroying
Than having to rhyme all the time?
There is only one thing more annoying
And that'd be an insufferable mime!

We got a mime. We need to name it appropriately. Who is known for speaking briefly and to-the-point?

Perfect. What do you think, Steam?

I think he likes it.

See you next episode! It should be soon. Input regarding future decisions and such (including people volunteering to be dungeoneers) would be very welcome. Anon commenting is turned on, so you don't need an account to comment.

To the next episode!

Date: 2015-08-26 12:54 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
It's not video LP, and no cat. I won't read this. At all. Ever.

Date: 2015-08-26 09:58 pm (UTC)
itbelongsinamuseum: (Default)
From: [personal profile] itbelongsinamuseum
I volunteer to be a dungeoneer. What's the worst that could happen? I end up making lame math jokes all the time? Which, yes, is worse than dying embarrassingly.

Also, not sure if there are any decisions I can give input on yet.


saikyocivrobo: (Default)

October 2015

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